so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
