I cannot find my penis.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
