I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
