So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
