i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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