My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
