I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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