they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize