phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
