happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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