he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
