my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
