Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
