meet me or not, i'm out of control
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
