party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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