if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
