How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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