I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
