My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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