Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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