I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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