I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
