you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize