Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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