True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
