Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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