I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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