They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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