I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
