I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
