Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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