yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
