is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
3pm strippers are depressing
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
