I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
