I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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