I think im going to throw up on grandma
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
