I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
