I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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