wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
