Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
