new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
where are my eyebrows?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
