i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
