are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
