Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
