finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You have to summon your inner elephant
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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