You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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