just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
