I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
