I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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