True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
