PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
