Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
