Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i've created a new STD.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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