She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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