I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
whose ass print is on the piano?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
