I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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