I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
