so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
