when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
